Friday, February 19, 2010

Paul of Tarsus

Dear Paul,

Or Saul. Or whoever you are this week.

I can't live like this. I won't play second fiddle to your little pen pals in Corinthia or wherever. I am a flesh and blood woman with needs. I can't just stand around wrapped up in sheets waiting for you to finish scratching away on papyrus.

And I saw your last letter. "Love is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." It's not a "record of wrongs." It's my JOURNAL. I'm not a fool, Paul. I know when I'm being written about to an enclave of a fledgling religion in some far away place that I couldn't find on a map.

Well, congratulations. Your stupid letter just guaranteed that every Catholic wedding for the next two thousand years is going to suck.


Lord Byron

Dear mad, bad and dangerous to know,

You fucking fuck. I have syphilis. You can barely even get that anymore where I am from.


John D. Rockefeller

Dear John,

I would be lying if I said this was ever anything more than me indulging in my fantasy of being a "kept" woman. For example, I wasn't sure if I liked fur. Turns out I don't. I'd also never taken a bath in champagne and money. Turns out it's not so pleasant. And diamonds on every finger? Arthritis, darling.

Now I'm bored.

So long. Farewell. I stole a bunch of stuff from you.

Don't try to find me,

Geoffrey Chaucer


It's not you. It's me. I'm in a weird place in my life right now. You make me laugh and that is magical but I have this whole world waiting for me back ... home ... and I can't commit to anything right now. I don't mean to get all 500 Days of Summer on you but I'm just not the kind of girl who settles down in the fourteenth century. Maybe someday. But I just can't make any promises.

with love,

Teddy Roosevelt


Like we said, this was always going to be just an affair.

You love exercise and the great outdoors and dead animals stuffed to look like they're not dead. I love not exercising and not being outside. Also, taxidermy scares me almost as much as puppets and mannequins.

Still, we overlapped when it comes to funny pictures of cats. We'll always have funny pictures of cats.

Keep on, keeping on. And don't be afraid to speak loudly sometimes. It's not always about the stick.

That's profound.

Love, Nicole



I think it would be better if we were just friends. The thing is -

Aw. I don't have to explain it. You get it.

Love you like a pal,